Self reflection

I've done a lot of self reflecting this year, months are passing by faster than i can even take notice. I was looking back at some of the oldest photos on my camera, because I've collected 2,000 photos, actually more, but the oldest photo dates back to 12/18/13, 3 months ago. Time doesn't even feel relevant anymore. I'm only trying to grasp hold of my scattered thoughts. I'm falling back into habits I developed close to a year ago, one's that sooth, instead of sicken, I guess. I'm remembering how classical music and a cup of tea can completely restore a moment. I've been going mad fighting against moments. I have a tendency to pick up and set down so frequently I forget what's where and how or why I left it to begin with. I can go back easily relating everything I've picked up or have gained interest in by comparing it to terms of being with you. It seems so much has open up since I've been with you. Writing about you would last a lifetime. I'm tired of trying to get to the bottom of it, but I know one things for sure, I need to move on. I'm slowly disintegrating, that's what it feels like, like time has it's ways of sucking you in, letting you sift until you've finally felt the bottom, and once that happens you can either continue to let it drag you around, letting the slight breeze of spring drift away what you've collected of yourself. I've felt that, I've felt time tug on my ankles. I've felt it tempt a deep desire to destroy, to destroy what's left of me, I've been dealing with a dramatic depression day by day. I'm not one to sit still. But who am I to complain, I could have everything I want in a heartbeat. I don't even know what that is, but I know that I really have no real room to complain, but feelings, feelings allow one to wish they were dead when everything in reality is simply reasonable, but feelings feast off of raw emotion, experiencing the balance of cognitive and volitional states of consciousness. Deciding what to feel is strange, especially when forced, well, pressured? I just rather not be lifeless, I just rather feel then to not, I just prefer existing instead of sifting. I've realized I'm raw, inside out, I watch my self reflect onto people who hold the cruelest intentions, but I reside reason and remain restless because sometimes I force my step and to be honest, I'm just trying to feel the flow.