Underwater Being

Le dungeon

I've been spending too much time alone. I'm ready to get the fuck out of my little dungeon. I need a job, shower, and some new boots. All I ever really feel like doing lately is creating. Trying to fall back into older reestablished habits.

What we're capable of.

So I need to approach. Work on approaching. I need to approach my feelings, fears, I need a new way of approaching, I need to approach. Advance in my ways of thinking, seeing, perceiving. It's time to open up my mind, I've been wallowing around, sleeping in past noon, watching movies on repeat until the day is over, I've been writing in memories, I've been looking back and looking forward so frequently that I sometimes forget to remember where I stand presently. My mind is pending to expand. I'm not going to spend much more time wondering about what to do, I'm just going to reside in the temptations and impulses that have only been ignored and disregarded.

Creatures of the night

Catching up

I want to catch up with time, I've been carelessly throwing my thoughts together by collecting my life by various means. I started drawing, that's when I felt mad, pure madness strained my tired thoughts until left lying lifeless on the floor of my mind. I couldn't even tell you the process in which some of my first drawings demanded; daring a depiction of a description drawn by the dawning of my eyes. My hands felt useful so I would stop when they stopped. I would just sit up for hours in the middle of the night, I felt you breathing in your sleep behind me, I'd play classical music, a low hum to sooth the empty nights echo. Thinking about times spent, time spent, time passed, time used up, time has passed, I miss you. I miss being with you, I miss laying with you endlessly, hours ceased to exist, hours only beginning to bestow any type of magnitude to my mere existence. Now I sleep to silence the screaming space placed between us. I'm just venting. Learning how to breathe again, honestly. I'm taking each day and I'm trying just to use time as beneficial as I can, I'm trying to get back into habits that I kept for a short period of time. I'm always breaking things. I'm always restarting, I'm always changing and rearranging. My room is a set in stone example of that, I can never sit still so I'm always moving things around, setting things up. It's time I start creating again because I feel like I'm going to explode. IMPLODE.

Slowing down

Self reflection

I've done a lot of self reflecting this year, months are passing by faster than i can even take notice. I was looking back at some of the oldest photos on my camera, because I've collected 2,000 photos, actually more, but the oldest photo dates back to 12/18/13, 3 months ago. Time doesn't even feel relevant anymore. I'm only trying to grasp hold of my scattered thoughts. I'm falling back into habits I developed close to a year ago, one's that sooth, instead of sicken, I guess. I'm remembering how classical music and a cup of tea can completely restore a moment. I've been going mad fighting against moments. I have a tendency to pick up and set down so frequently I forget what's where and how or why I left it to begin with. I can go back easily relating everything I've picked up or have gained interest in by comparing it to terms of being with you. It seems so much has open up since I've been with you. Writing about you would last a lifetime. I'm tired of trying to get to the bottom of it, but I know one things for sure, I need to move on. I'm slowly disintegrating, that's what it feels like, like time has it's ways of sucking you in, letting you sift until you've finally felt the bottom, and once that happens you can either continue to let it drag you around, letting the slight breeze of spring drift away what you've collected of yourself. I've felt that, I've felt time tug on my ankles. I've felt it tempt a deep desire to destroy, to destroy what's left of me, I've been dealing with a dramatic depression day by day. I'm not one to sit still. But who am I to complain, I could have everything I want in a heartbeat. I don't even know what that is, but I know that I really have no real room to complain, but feelings, feelings allow one to wish they were dead when everything in reality is simply reasonable, but feelings feast off of raw emotion, experiencing the balance of cognitive and volitional states of consciousness. Deciding what to feel is strange, especially when forced, well, pressured? I just rather not be lifeless, I just rather feel then to not, I just prefer existing instead of sifting. I've realized I'm raw, inside out, I watch my self reflect onto people who hold the cruelest intentions, but I reside reason and remain restless because sometimes I force my step and to be honest, I'm just trying to feel the flow.

You